| (no subject) |
[Jan. 1st, 2020|12:01 am] |
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just ask. its not that i care who reads me, it just creeps me out if i dont KNOW whos reading me...
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| sigh |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|10:11 pm] |
i feel my entire scalp tense up and the skin on my whole back doubles in temperature. my brain can process information logically. but lately my emotions are going into hyperdrive.
im not usually this susceptible to the whims of irrational feelings when they arise. im good at talking myself down from that proverbial ledge. not this time. not right now. not lately, for whatever reason. the calm voice of reality and objectivity is no match for my hormones. im just going to assume its my hormones anyway. it has to be.
it feel like im going crazy at times. im pretty sensitive as it is...imagine that times ten. then multiply it by another ten. and another. and another and another...thats what it feels like right now. im wary and tense about things i have no business getting worked up about (in addition to plenty of things i should be worked up about) and theres nothing i can do to control it. i just have to trust that itll pass and ill stop making an ass of myself.
in any case.
examinations are taking place with little returned by way of potential triggers. i wish it hasnt affected me in the romantic arena, but its seeming to lately. more in the way of embarrassment for how im presenting myself than anything, but its there. fear of abandoment? fear of rejection? fear of betrayal? fear of fear?
the sins of his past are not his own, but id be a fool to think that history doesnt have the potential to repeat itself. i dont expect it to, and i really want to be able to just throw caution to the wind...which, honestly, i have for the most part. im not careful at all with revealing what i think or feel and what i would like by way of a future with him. it feels more like im prepared. im bracing for the hammer to come down. for that one phrase thatll change everything. that monkey wrench that just stops the entire machine.
but i dont need to brace for anything. even when i knew i needed to prepare for big blows, i didnt. because the anticipation of such things has more power to obliterate than the actual thing itself, whichever it may be. our imaginations are dreadfully dangerous...but only to ourselves.
yet. here i am. muscles tight, cheeks and ears hot, ache in my chest and stomach, lack of restful sleep for wild dreams, and the usual distractionary measures arent working and only serve to aggitate my mind. i feel impulsive. i feel trapped. i feel feel far away from everything. not alone...just far away. i feel behind. i feel like ive taken on too much. but none of that is about anything in particular. its the same feeling when youre in the middle of walmart and youre on the phone with your friend and shes talking about her father or something she saw on tv and suddenly, without warning, you realize that you may or may not have left candles burning at home over two hours ago. theres a physical manifestation there. thats what i feel like lately. that there may be something ive forgotten and my mind is working so hard at remembering what it is that everything bothers me. everythings an interruption. or ive wasted time somewhere. (everywhere, actually...i enjoy wasting time, truth be told.)
but. then. thats not true. nothing bothers me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|05:36 pm] |
i remember my last night i ever spent with doug. i knew i would never touch him again. i spent hours tracing his body. imprinting the roughness of his cuticles into my memory. remembering exactly the position of my hand as it rested against his forearm. touching his eyelids and following the bow of his lip with my fingertips. after all of these years, most of what we had is nothing but a fleeting memory, and the entirety of our relationship has somehow become utterly entwined with just that one evening. i rarely think of what we ever were. i think of that one night. and the way my head fell so perfectly onto his shoulder while my nose rested against his neck, my tears pooling into the hollow of his collar bone.
last night, i could feel my arms curled tight to my body when he kissed me. and as he explored my body, i desperately wanted to touch him back, but my hands were cast in cement. he asked me to. i hesitated. he understood. in the throws of passion, i relented.
every part of my wants to excert the necessary energy.
but i just dont have it.
its over.
i know it is.
im so mad at myself. i know i will forget why. or why we even started it at all. but i wont forget the soft spot just above his hip. or the way his muscles moved beneath his skin. i will take with me the way his hair cowlicked down his chest and how cold his belt felt under my fingertips. the way his fingers held the knife and, hours later, the taste of the fruit he had cut left behind on his palm. i wont forget the smell of my clothes this morning. or how the nape of my neck seemed made special, just for his hand.
fuck you, jared. for making me touch you.
fuck. me.
you did it on purpose.
and i am so fucking angry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|11:35 pm] |
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brandons best friend had a heart attack last night. hes 23. if this doesnt serve as a major wake-up call about the lifestyles they lead, then god help them all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|06:07 pm] |
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my daughter just fished one of her own floating turds out of the toilet. lovely. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|08:50 pm] |
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so, i was nursing neroli before putting her to bed and juuust when she hit that euphoric state as sleep settles in, she had a major giggle attack. she often laughs a little bit as she drifts off, but this was ridiculous- gut splitting laughter that went on for a good 2 minutes with her eyes closed the whole while. shes never laughed that hard. ever. ever ever. and she was 'sleeping'. it was hilarious, although a bit boggling. i had tears in my eyes from both trying to suppress my own laughter (i was unsuccessful) and just because i fell in love with her a little bit more in that very instant. shes a fucking amazing human being. a little crazy, so it seems, but that special kind of crazy. she rocks. and i love her to pieces. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2009|04:07 pm] |
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i dont care how many times i get the privilege of witnessing it- there is little more beautiful to me than watching her sleep. |
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| eerily accurate |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|12:50 am] |
 | youaresosmart took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dream..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
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Existing Situation
Unable to exert the effort to achieve her objectives. Feels neglected, desiring greater security, warm affection, and fewer problems.
Stress Sources
The situation is regarded as threatening or dangerous. Outraged by the thought that she will be unable to achieve her goals and distressed at the feeling of helplessness to remedy this. Over-extended and feels beset, possibly to the point of nervous prostration.
Restrained Characteristics
Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.
Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.
Actual Problem
Agitation, unpredictability, and irritation accompanying depleted vitality and intolerance of further demands have all placed her in a position in which she feels menaced by her circumstances. Feeling powerless to remedy this by any action of her own, she is desperately hoping that some solution will provide a way of escape.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|03:14 pm] |
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the doctor is sure its cancer. the "good news" is that she was able to remove it all. along with it, she lost most of her pancreas, her gallbladder, a portion of her small intestine, and a third of her stomach. it will take a week for pathology to come in. there are two forms of pancreatic cancer- one is somewhat treatable, the other is not. at all. so thats that. we wait. |
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| also |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|04:58 pm] |
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i am less than thrilled that it is not quite 5:00, yet its pretty fucking dark outside already. |
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| pump 'n dump |
[Nov. 1st, 2008|01:44 am] |
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im fucking drunk as a skunk. couch citty, fools. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|03:59 pm] |
diapers are folded, stuffed, and put away. milk has been pumped and is chilling. dishes are done. neroli has been fast asleep for the past two hours. did i mention how quickly she is growing up and how sad it makes me? they arent kidding when they say they grow up too fast. she is getting so big and each day she does something new. last night we were just chilling together and i wondered out loud, 'how is it that ive never gotten sick of you?' i dont care what type of day im having, what kind of mood im in, what heavy issues are pressing on my mind- she is nothing but a pleasure to me.
five months ago, i was exhaused and sore. five months ago, i was excited and scared. and overwhelmed. and proud of both her and myself. five months ago, i held my firstborn child in my arms for the very first time. five months ago, i fell in love.
( 5 months! )
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2008|06:44 am] |
 this kid is amazing. |
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| oh.my.god. |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|03:13 am] |
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this changes everything. |
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